King Varian is a Tool, and You Can Too.

So my distaste for Varian has been long festering, and of course it started with bias. As a Hordie, anybody who runs around threatening my peeps gets put on my shit-list.

A lot of my wow friends from my server, though, wanted me to sympathize with his sad and broken past.

So out of respect for my Alliance buddies, I read the comics, read some books, and summaries from websites and wiki to “understand” his point of view. Well, my feelings have not changed. In fact, they were strengthened because now I could see 100 reasons why he shouldn’t act the way he does, but does it anyway.

Varian is a tool and WoW-Lore’s attempts to make a united, badass leader for the Alliance failed miserably.


 “If you were Varian, you’d hate Orcs too!”

Maybe. On a personal level, sure, he’s got reason to be miffed. But is that a reason to seek out grudges over the well-being of the Alliance? Uh, No. To start a war with the Horde with LOL ARTHAS terrorizing everybody? Definitely not.

 Failpoint 1: His decisions as leader are brash, immature, and down right stupid. He’s endangering his own people by starting a fight with the Horde, which would likely end with both forces being weakened and crying in a puddle of fail for the Scourge to just laugh at.

 Failpoint 2: Varian’s origin story falls just short of being a carbon copy of Thrall’s sad and broken past, except more soap-opera infested for sympathy’s sake. Yet you don’t see Thrall running around screaming for the destruction of all humans. In fact, in a bizarre twist of randomness it’s the complete opposite. Ironic, since the way Thrall was treated as a slave was about 100,000 times worse.

So Varian was forced to fight to the death. He had three friends to back him up. If he won, he got paid and showered with gifts, food, and naked women, just behind bars. He seems to ignore the fact that the Crimson Ring imprisoned not only Humans, but people of all races / factions. He was the replacement for what? Oh, an orc. One of his buddies was a what? Oh yeah, a blood elf. In fact, throughout the comics, we see more Horde-raced people fighting in these arenas than Alliance. So if anybody has a right to be pissed off at “The orc’s” who ran this shit, it should be other orcs. We’ll ignore that the Crimson Ring is an independently goblin-run, multi-racial affair supported by Horde and Alliance alike.

Thrall, on the other hand, was forced to fight to the death by himself, often with staggering odds against him. He’d get the shit beat out of him if didn’t do it with flying colors. On his days off, he was used as a target dummy for humans. He wasn’t allowed to touch women, which is why he nearly soiled himself with confusion when Taretha hugged him for the first time [WHAT IS THIS DISPLAY OF AFFECTION!?].

So in the end, Thrall turned out to be a tree-hugging, human loving, puppy cuddling pussy while Varian is the one nerd-raging all over Azeroth. My question is: wtf?

Failpoint 3: Varian’s a fucking hypocrite. He expressed his desire several times to not bother being King Varian of Stormwind and to continue to be a gladiator. Yet, he still refers to himself as Lo’Gosh sometimes. He still thinks of that saga of his life as being a huge part of who he is now. This just in: “Lo’Gosh” is the ORCISH nick-name given to him by the ORCS out of respect for his fighting prowess. If he hates them so damn much, he should stop embracing the identity they gave him.


“Well Sylvanas is just as bad a leader! Go cry about her!”


Yeah, and? She got her soul ripped out of her body, forced to kill her own people, take part as her entire kingdom and the majority of her culture/race was detsroyed, and then returned to a life of un-death for all eternity as a mutilated freak.

Let’s be honest, here, Sylvanas is the Mother Fucking Banshee Queen of the Undead for a reason. When was the last time you saw her galavanting about protecting honor and justice? Fuck that shit, she wants revenge, and will stop at nothing until she sees Arthas getting sodomized daily by whatever her warlock friends can summon from the depths of hell.

Whether or not she was truly responsible for what happened at the Wrathgate is still very much in heated debate. The plague was her idea, yes. She wants the kill humanity, sure. Undead players have known / worked with this thing since level 5. We’ve always known the Forsaken to use innocent bystanders as subjects (and each other, as well…). I’m sure if Thrall was aware of the extent of what was going on, he’d put a stop to it. Putress’ betrayal, however, was out of her hands. The fact that they turned around and took over UC, and used the plague she had authorized on everybody is where things get fuzzy. I would most definitely pin her for having let a lot of this go under the radar, if nothing else. So hell-bent on revenge, she either didn’t notice or simply didn’t care.
This is relevent because the “straw that broke the back” for Varian was in his thinking the events in the Undercity was a direct and purposeful betrayal of the Horde, and his reason for declaring yet another factional war. Even with Jaina flapping her arms saying that The RAS and Putress went ahead and fucked shit up for everybody, Horde included, he still refuses to see reason and instead pits the blame of the death of his childhood butt-buddy Bolvar on the Horde.

And Varian is no stranger to opposition within his own walls, either, being that riots within Stormwind are what killed his wife in the first place. You’d think he’d have some sympathy.

Fact: Sylvanas is batshit crazy, but at least she’s fully aware/accepting of this. Unlike Varian who’ll cry about not wanting innocents to get hurt, she’s aware to make an omelette, you’ve gotta poison a few gnomes. Doesn’t make her right, by any means, but at least she’s not a hypocrite.
My final conclusion: Obvious, Varian is a tool and focusing his anger on all the wrong people and in all the wrong ways. Onyxia was single-handedly the reason for 90% the heartache and tragedy in his life. Obviously because she’s ‘dead’ now, he has nothing to blame so why not the Horde?


So what should our lovely Bitch King do to sooth his broken sense of self?


‣ Fight Garrosh Hellscream to the death because Garrosh is on equal level if not more of a tool than Varian. I take that back, Garrosh is easily more of a tool with even more stupid, unwarranted and misdirected anger issues. Unlike Varian who has some reasoning to back his drama, Garrosh has none. Offing Hellscream JR would be a favor to everybody involved.



‣ Admit his true frustrations. It’s obvious Varian loves Orcs and wishes he was actually one. But now that he’s resigned himself to running Stormwind and raising a son and the Alliance, he can’t faction xfer so instead he’s going to go on a schoolboy rampage and destroy the thing he loves but cannot have.


‣ Get Over It. His son is in good health, and honestly, there should be nothing more important.



Further Reading:
Update: I totally called Varian’s closet Orc love; After that move with Saurfang in ICC, I’m convinced I’ve been right all along.